I have been called lately to focus on sharing my motherhood journey. My motherhood journey has been full of joy, love, pain, fear and deep healing. When I had my second daughter, Indy I fell into a deep postpartum depression. It was the scariest time of my life. I truly didn’t know if I would make it out. My hope is this article helps anyone who feels alone and lost see and feel that there’s so much to look forward to on the other side.
The Birth Of My Second Child
The anticipation of Christmas, 2016 was full of excitement. We had an almost two-year-old about to experience Christmas magic, and we were due to welcome our second daughter into the world. Indy came into this world a week before Christmas Eve. We were overjoyed and looked forward to having 2 girls close in age. I had always wanted a sister growing up, so I was happy to give that experience to my girls. Christmas was a blur, hello newborn fog. My dad ended up in the hospital and so did my first baby Milo, the cat. I felt very overwhelmed, to say the least. As the days went by, this darkness started to loom. I felt empty, sad, disconnected, overwhelmed and anxious all the time. I didn’t express these feelings to anyone. I felt guilty and alone. My husband I and figured it was the baby blues. Indy was a very needy baby, that cried A LOT. She only wanted to be held by me, which gave me no space for any self-care. I exclusively breastfed all my kids too, which made time for myself few and far between. I felt like I was running on empty. I felt very isolated and scared. As the weeks and months went by the dark feelings got stronger and stronger.
About a year and a half after Indy was born I convinced my husband to get a puppy. I always wanted a golden retriever and had heard about dogs being good therapy. I was searching for something to fill this dark void in my heart. About a month after we got Chester I remember sitting down on the island in our kitchen. It felt like the walls were closing in on me. The kids and dog were running around. I was dizzy, my hands were shaking, I felt like I couldn’t breathe and my heart was racing. I felt like I was somewhere else and everything that was happening around me felt far away. I called my husband at work. He told me I was having a panic attack. We decided that my parents would take the dog until I felt better. I decided after a lot of resistance to book an appointment with my doctor. Up until this point, I was trying natural ways to soothe the depression. I am very drawn to treating things holistically and my belief is you can heal most things with plants and food. This was much bigger than that and I’m so grateful I let go and asked for help. I love the wellness world, but there is a lot of shame around pharmaceuticals, while I do agree they are overused and they bandaid most things, they do have their place. I am so grateful we have access to them, they saved my life.
I remember telling my mom how I was feeling. I felt so ashamed. I hadn’t shared any of these feelings with her. I wanted to figure it out on my own and I didn’t want to worry her. I also felt like something was wrong with me. I had 2 beautiful, and healthy children. Why would I be depressed? My mom comforted me and was so supportive. Now looking back I realize that getting our dog, while it was not the right time, it forced me to deal with the feelings I had been feeling. It triggered a panic attack that saved my life.
When I finally decided to see the doctor, I went on my own. It felt like a very private thing that I wanted to do by myself. I cried so hard while telling her. It was such a big release. We decided together to put me on the lowest dose of an SSRI. I remember the sense of relief I felt, just having it off my chest. I ended up taking them for about 6 months before I decided to go off them and heal. We were talking about having another baby and I wanted to see how I felt off them. I slowly weaned myself off them. I remember being so scared to feel those feelings again. I came up with a plan. I vowed to take better care of myself and be more open with how I was feeling. I focused on my diet, exercise, and connecting more with friends. While I still had moments when I didn’t feel the best it was manageable and I was able to enjoy my girls. I also decided to talk about my experience with some of my closest friends. Looking back, I see how much shame I felt around my postpartum depression. I am a very open and loving person, but for some reason, I wanted to hold this in and keep it hidden. Even sharing this on my blog makes me feel a bit anxious. My hope in sharing this is it reaches mothers and it helps them feel like it’s okay and they aren’t alone.
Finding The Light
I now have 3 amazing children and I can honestly say I love being a mom more than anything! I have found a way to nourish myself, so I can show up for them in the most loving and aligned way. I no longer feel empty and lost. It has taken me years of pain and suffering to do so, but I feel through my healing I am now able to be the mom I’ve always wanted to be. Do I have bad days? Of course, but the good days outweigh the bad and I truly love my life. If you are feeling lost and empty there’s so much light for you on the other side. Please reach out if I can support you in any way! I am so passionate about helping people find their light. I want you to feel held and supported and learn to love motherhood.
Letting Go Of Shame
Postpartum depression and postpartum care is something I wholeheartedly believe, is overlooked and not spoken about enough. Mothers are babies’ first soul they connect to when they come into this world, yet we offer them little to no care. Imagine a world where women were connected to other women and cared for while raising their babies. A world where we had a village around us to help and connect with while raising our children. A place to feel loved and nurtured so we could nurture our kids. A place where we felt supported so we could stop neglecting our own needs. A place where we felt held and free of judgement.
I remember feeling like taking a shower was a luxury. I felt so drained and heavy postpartum, Im sure my babies all felt that energy. I know I’m not alone in these feelings. Moms are very selfless and put aside their needs and desires to raise children. While being selfless is good to a certain degree. Giving love and light to others is an amazing path to take, we can’t neglect ourselves. I feel like moms do that a lot. We feel shame around taking care of ourselves. We not only feel shame we also aren’t given the support and community to be able to care for ourselves in a nourishing way.
I feel like, even as our kids get older we still neglect ourselves. We work ourselves all day and then spend the evening running around taking our kids to sports, parties, playdates etc. What about you? Do you get any time to allow yourself to rest, heal, be creative or laugh with your friends? My guess its few and far between.
A New Way Forward
How can we shift things to make life about connection and love? How can we move towards mothers feeling held, supported and connected? I dream of a world where motherhood isn’t lonely and draining. Where it’s relaxed and peaceful. A world where moms help other moms. A world where we all come together. We support one another and we don’t feel burnt out and alone. I’m sending love, light and hugs to all the moms out there. I’m here and will continue to be here. Let me know where you are at on your motherhood journey. How are you? What do you need to feel more love and connection?
xo Alayna
